Imperfection
by Ilandere Okami
Summary: If L is Light's angel, then Light is L's fallen angel, being dragged down by his demon parents. After his suicide attempt, L takes Light to England to help him recover, hidden feelings surfacing during their time together. LxLight, dark themes
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: This is the sequal to "Boulevard of Broken Dreams." L's POV. I think you guys will be pleasantly surprised by some of his thoughts.**

**The song "Imperfection" is my second fave Skillet song ((right behind "The Last Night")) and fits Light in this story so well, it's scary. Later, I reference the song, and will continue to do so w/o making it look like it's a reference to a song. Wrote much of this story during school, BTW.**

**A chapter fic, so beware. The chapters are short 'cause I want certain ideas in certain places. And you're gonna see another reason why L was/is so keen on helping Light recover. That won't be hinted at until next chapter and won't be explained until the third. The chapters will get increasingly longer, just a heads up.**

**Warning: Light's suicidal thoughts, still more references to heaven and hell, one-sided LxLight...*wink* Oh, and large words like blasphemy. I feel so proud I can write in L's POV!! SQUEE!! This has turned into a complete AU now, for Misa and her Death Note are gone. There's no more supernatural involved. End of story.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note or it's characters. However, this plot is my own. I also don't own the awesomeness that is "Imperfection" by Skillet. No, let them own all their amazing songs. ^-^**

* * *

Imperfection

**Chapter 1**

I don't think I have ever been more thankful for my ability to cover my emotions with a blank mask than when Light woke up. I knew the precise moment his heart rate increased slightly, his eyes moving behind his eyelids like they would do in REM sleep—hence "rapid eye movement."

His parents were still in the room, and I knew he wouldn't even try to wake if he heard their voices, so I remained silent. He must've been still contemplating if he was dead or not, so I have him time to think. But soon, when I knew his parents were long gone and he was considering waking up completely, I told him I knew he wasn't Kira.

Only one who had been watching him constantly over the past month—and before that too, of course—would notice what seemed to be a weight lifting off his shoulders. At this movement, when he was filled with relief, he looked like the innocent teenager he should be. He looked like my fallen angel, the one I think I fell in love with…

But it would be blasphemy to confuse him with another's emotions when his were only stable because of high doses of medication. I remained silent about my feelings, saying I considered him a brother. In most senses, I did; but he was just too beautiful for me to ignore.

Alas, when he did wake up, open his eyes, I saw the yearning in them. For what, I did not know. I was not surprised he had figured out who I was. So perhaps, he did yearn to kill me, for all I had done, including forcing him to live. Perhaps he was just yearning to die. I wouldn't put it past him; he was very persistent, stubborn, and rarely gave in.

Yet…he did give up. He gave up living, striving for the perfection he had already obtained in my eyes. Because of that, his enormous pride must've been severely wounded. Well, so was mine. My main Kira suspect, the boy I honestly thought was the only possibility for Kira, wasn't.

No, a suicidal man, _this_ suicidal man, could never be an insane mass murderer of criminals. Especially with the way I've been watching him study so excessively, the way he freaked out over a single grade. The real Kira wouldn't do that; he would take it all in stride, think of it as a sacrifice for the "new world" he was trying to create.

Once Light woke up, I kept him talking, or even had him listen when I talked. Anything to keep him occupied for the next few weeks he was in the hospital. He would never know how grateful I was he remained sane during that time.

But there was still the fact that once he was released, Light would go back to his parents. And his father expected no less of him than before. In fact, he expected more of his son, for I had personally suggested that schoolwork would not help with his recovery at the moment. Therefore, there was two months of schoolwork waiting at home for him.

No, I wouldn't let my fallen angel fall again. I wouldn't let him go back to the demons dragging him down. So I proposed bringing him to a psychiatric hospital I knew of in England, my homeland. I gave them all the details and said they could contact me—well, Watari—anytime to check up on Light.

If that happens—which I double, for they will try to forget such a failure of a perfect son—Watari will give them a report. It won't be real, for Light will not be going to a mental hospital. I actually feel sorry for his younger sister, Sayu. Her parents will undoubtedly thrust upon her the expectations of her brother. Unfortunately, she isn't as much of a genius as Light, especially in mathematics.

But there's nothing I can do about her. The best I can do is take care of her older brother, her _mentally unstable_ older brother, who will most likely crack under the even greater pressure and once again submit to the means he had once tried to use to escape. Or perhaps something different, but I find that hard to believe. Light would never succumb to the temptations of drug addictions and alcoholism.

Still, I want to keep him safe by my side. So I was very pleased that he was happy to come with me. He was changing into street clothes when I came to tell him. I just couldn't resist hugging him. I think he might've been slightly uncomfortable, and I know brothers don't normally hug each other when shirtless, but he has assumed I don't have any social skills. Why not use that to my advantage? Okay, I am rarely around people, which results in me not knowing too much about how to act, but I know some.

I love watching his eyes. I said to him that I told his parents where I was taking him. The eyes were shocked, slightly panicked. So I reassured him we weren't going to a mental hospital. His eyes were relieved, but even if I saw hope—perhaps for him to be cured—I also saw that same yearning I noticed when he woke up…

* * *

**Author's Note: This was mostly a recap chapter of sorts. Now were're gonna get into the current stuff. Still will be told in present tense, like the first one, but not like this chapter. L will interrupt the story to think every once in a while, so beware for inane thoughts and him saying stuff like "shakes me out of my musings."**

**How'd you like that little twist? I know many of my readers wished for there to be full-on LxLight, not one-sided, in the first part, so here it is. They both have unrequitted love for each other. Now do you understand that warning of "one-sided LxLight *wink*" above? It was talking about L not Light this time! HAHAHAHA!**

**Just saying, the "yearning" will keep appearing. I think you guys know what it is...And the "fallen angel" thing will of course appear again as well. That being said, here are the winners of my contest, which will appear in my stories for at least the rest of the year, if not longer:**

**First place: "****Perussi****" by Poshoom  
Second place: "Admit it, You're a Monster" by Odelia is the Oddie  
Honorable mention: "My Obsession" by Black-Dranzer-1119**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Happy New Years, guys! 2010!! And here's my gift for the new year: a new chapter to Imperfection!**

**Expect other stories up soon, or other chapters. Check my blog about that ((link in profile)) please.**

**Anyways, I know this chapter is short, but the next one should be longer and the one after that even longer...as far as I know...I hope...*crosses fingers* You never really know how long a story is when you write it in a journal then type it up...**

**Warning: Intense angst. And a bit of L's yaoi thoughts, but barely anything along those lines. I think there might be some comedic lines in here, but I'm not sure...There won't be any intentional comedy until the end of chapter 3 and maybe half of chapter 4. ^-^**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note or its characters. I do, however, own this idea. And BTW, just so you know, this is officially the start of the new story part of this, going away from the Kira case and anything supernatural. Yeah, that's right, there's no more supernatural, all real things that can happen as far as we know! .**

* * *

Chapter 2

Currently, we are standing on one of the airport runways in front of my private jet. Light is staring at our means of transportation. I begin to walk towards the stairs leading up to the door inside, hoping Light will follow. When I reach the stairs, I turn around to see him still standing where he was before. With a smirk, I say, "Light-kun, are you coming, or shall I bring you back home?"

That jolts him and he mutters what sounds like, "That's not a home," before he starts walking. "It's just…you own your own jet!"

Walking up the stairs behind my angel, ready to catch him if he falls—his balance hasn't completely returned, even though we've been weaning him off the medications—I say, "Yes, Light-kun; I am well aware of my finances and purchases." He just responds with a "humph" before stepping inside.

I almost slam into him, for once again, Light has frozen, gawking at the interior of the jet. Wishing to depart as soon as possible, and not used to this side of Light, I grab his upper arm and drag him to one of the seats, sitting down properly next to him.

Watari comes out of the cockpit to see we are ready for takeoff and instructs us with his fatherly love as well as his responsible mindset for us to buckle up. In my mind, I smile, keeping a blank face on the outside. For my whole life—that I can remember—I've wanted a family. A real family. Watari has been my father for most of my life and for the past few years, I've had some magnificent successors I like to think of as sons. And now…

Now I have a brother, a loving younger brother of whom I can take care. But maybe, someday, he won't be my brother, but my lover. I know the likelihood of that is near impossible, for many different reasons, so I won't get my hopes up. I never do anyway…Besides Light being Kira, but that is done with anyway.

As soon as the plane starts moving down the runway, Light jumps and peers out the window. I've flown numerous times in my life, so I see no reason for the boy to get so anxious. But I begin to understand when the plane takes off and Light only peeks out the window before leaning as far back into his seat as possible and grabbing my arm in a death grip.

I say nothing to antagonize him until we are at a proper altitude and allowed to get up. "This is Light-kun's first time flying?" I ask curiously.

He glares at me, but won't let go of my arm. "How would you know?" he shoots back.

I chuckle and reply with some very simple logic he must not be able to process in his current condition. "Well, Light-kun's eyes keep darting around, he hasn't looked out the window since we took off, he is beginning to perspire, and of course there is the fact that he is cutting of the circulation in my arm that we would need to consider…" I've said this all with a thumb to my lip, to help me think, even though my reasoning ability has been reduced by forty percent by the way I'm sitting. The last reason, unlike the thoughtful tone the other words had, was in an exceptionally sarcastic manner.

I hope I haven't upset him, but he just seems so…obnoxious. Nevertheless, Light is a very fragile creature at the moment. Which is why I think recovering away from home, and with one who loves him both the way I do and the way he thinks I do will help to immense proportions.

His hands loosen from my arm almost reluctantly, and certainly with embarrassment, but at this moment, the just has to hit a bit of turbulence. My hand is the next thing to develop a loss of feeling and blood. I remain silent. he must be embarrassed enough.

A few minutes after the turbulence, Light has his eyes closed, his hand still squeezing my own. Silence has fallen over the jet, no more disruptions in our flight pattern now. Finally, the fallen angel's eyes open, a small hint of a smile, almost a smirk, spreading across his face. I start to question his sanity in my mind before remembering he actually is technically insane.

"I don't get it," he says, rousing me out of my musings. I cock my head to the side, trying to understand what he means. Is he talking about his fear of flying? It's highly logical, for someone who has never flown. Or is his brilliant mind confused about why he hasn't let go of my hand, and I haven't let go yet either? When I contemplate this, a nagging feeling in the back of my mind wants me to blush. Luckily, I've never been one to blush, and now is no different.

I reply, "What doesn't Light-kun understand?"

He looks away from me, eyes avoiding the window; I don't know if it's out of embarrassment or some other reason. "I don't get why…I'm afraid of dying…here…in the air…with you…" his hand squeezes mine slightly, "…when, before…I thought I could do it myself…I thought I _did_ do it…"

Now I understand. He is wondering why he's fearing death _now _when he was walking towards it, smiling, before. After a moment's thought, I say, "Perhaps Light-kun whishes to have complete control over his demise, instead of the unstable, uncontrollable element that is this airplane…? And maybe he doesn't want me to die with him, for nobody wishes for their brother to die…" …or their lover, I add mentally.

Light has turned back to look at me, eyes dark, but once again containing that odd yearning. I squeeze his hand, hoping to indicate that I 'm trying to understand him, and help him. However, that shocks him, and he immediately disentangles our fingers, bring his hand to his lap, where it clasps together with his other.

"There's nothing wrong with two brothers holding hands, Light-kun," I say, pouting slightly.

He just laughs darkly and unbuckles, standing. I watch apprehensively, unbuckling as well, just in case he does something. Instead, he walks over to a couch on the other side of the plane, muttering just loud enough for me to hear, "You have a lot to learn…"

* * *

After fetching myself a slice of cake with strawberries, and seating myself in my original seat, I eat happily. Light is silent, but I already know he is one of the few people in this world who can handle silence. I, too, am like that. It is one of the many things that make us so compatible…if only we weren't brothers. He would never approve of incest.

When I finish my plate, only thinking about the taste, flavor, smell of the cake, I stand and walk the empty dish over to the bar. I turn around to see Light actually looking out the window, watching clouds pass under us. His body is unmoving and as I get closer, I see his face is very serious.

Sitting next to him on the couch, he doesn't even register the cushion dipping slightly from my weight. He is starting to scare me, for I don't know what is running through his mind. It worries me when he gets like this. In the hospital, I sometimes walked in on him while he was acting like this. He would never tell me what he was thinking, though I asked every time.

"Light-kun?" I say quietly. He doesn't even flinch, as if he already knew I was there, or is once again comatose. "What is Light-kun thinking?"

His mouth opens and I immediately assume it's to reprimand me. However, he closes it again and I don't move, hoping for something from him. That is was the only movement I've seen from him. Not even his eyelids are blinking.

"I'm…" he starts, shocking me. I remain still, able to control my reactions like always. "I'm wondering what would happen if I jump out of this plane…"

Once again, pure silence takes hold. I stare at Light, hoping my fear, concern, and surprise aren't plain in my eyes. For once, I cannot think of anything to say. I cannot think at all. I have that ominous feeling that I will have to deal with this in the future, but the rest of my mind is blank. Both sensations frighten me.

Thoughts like his…they're just too close to home…I have to help him with everything I have!

To my bewilderment, he continues with a train of thought I would've thought was impossible for him in this state. "But I don't know what will happen…and when I try to think that it will be all worth it…I realize what will happen…" He looks into my eyes, boring into me. "I'll hurt you." The yearning is back in his eyes, and it is thoroughly confusing me.

Is he saying that I'm the only reason he's alive now? He loves his brother that much and doesn't want to hurt me? I blink and turn away, unsure of what I should say. How is it possible that I'm the reason he won't die when…I've forbidden myself from letting my mind wander down this path. I will not think of it, will not hurt myself further.

After my firm denied access to certain thoughts, I come back to the present to see Light staring at me still, the yearning as powerful as it was when he woke up, perhaps more. Does he wish to die this much?

I begin to see those stunning eyes glisten, before a single tear escapes from the left and he breaks down. To think that someone who used to be—and still is sometimes—as composed as me, collapsing into my chest, sobbing and somehow getting the words, "I don't want to try any more…I can't…Just let me go…" out through the tears…It's heart wrenching. I just hold him, inexperienced in this field of comfort.

I have this horrible feeling this isn't the last breakdown I'll have to deal with…

* * *

**Author's Note: How'd you like it? I hope it wasn't that bad. Light does break down or explode or just go insane often, just to warn you. He does have triggers and whatnot, and it's really realistic...as far as I know. Just a heads up: I haven't actually researched any of this. All this writing is based after books I've read, stories I've read, movies I've seen, other things like that...and my own mind.**

**Oh, and what do you think are the thoughts that are "too close to home" and the ones that L has denied himself access to? The question will be answered next chapter, but I would love to hear your guesses!**

**Until next time ((which should be quite soon...*sigh*)), Zena out!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: This is, of what's written so far, my favorite chapter. This chapter has three special meanings behind parts of it.  
1) When writing it, I accidentally made L quote the song "Imperfection," which this story is named after, obviously. I seriously wrote the line, realized it was part of the song, kept it and realized that now it fits all main characters. Yes, that's right, L and Light aren't the only ones w/ problems. ^_-  
2) I wrote this chapter soon after I realized one very important thing that plays a part in L's role in saving Light, besides his love of course. You will see this, as he addresses it. In fact, it was hinted in the last chapter.  
3) I read the first paragraph of this to several people, most of whom don't know Death Note and aren't familiar w/ the plot to this fic. Long story short: that was the day I decided I officially wanted to be a writer when I grew up. *sigh of happiness***

**This also contains some very deep thoughts from L, which I really enjoy writing. The beginning is where most of those lie, but there are some others spread throughout the chapter, including references, once again, to Light as a "fallen angel," which won't be going away anytime soon.**

**Also, this chapter contains the first incling of humor. There'll be more in chapter 4.**

**Warning: If you've gotten this far, I hardly need to give that warning anymore. The one of Light's suicidal thoughts...which actually, for once, don't appear!! GAH!**

**Disclaimer: Once again, Death Note belongs to two geniuses. I am neither. OH! But apparently Light's character design is quite popular. A ((pretty much openly gay)) character in Junjo Romantica looks just like him, is pretty smart, and gave an evil smirk to Misaki at one point, making him look JUST LIKE LIGHT!!! GAH! ...I also don't own "Imperfection," by Skillet or Another Note by Nisioisin, whose name is a pallendrome. Oh, and I only own copies of Minesweeper and Spider Solitaire on my own computer, but not the concept. ^_- You'll see...**

* * *

**Chapter 3**

Life goes on. That's what I've been taught my whole life. I had to burn that thought into my mind when I started working as a detective. If I didn't think that constantly, I would've surely gone insane from the amount of death I've seen. For those who didn't die, life goes on. It may not be the life they want, but still, they live.

Even my life will continue. Now that it's not being threatened by Kira, there's a fairly high chance my life will go on unstopped. However, there are times when I wish I could fast forward, and a few I wish to rewind and rerecord. Very few times have I wanted to pause, and never have I wanted to stop.

There are people out there, nevertheless, that do wish to stop their lives. Yet, there lives still go on. Some find ways to stop, cut off the film before its end. And some stray away from their lives' original paths.

Before my current three successors, Near, Mello, and Matt, I had two others. A and B. A was ahead of B by a slight margin, and therefore my alternate if I was to die. B was backup for A.

When A discovered the responsibility he had, being my successor one day, not knowing when that day would come, how soon, or how much time he had left…he went slightly crazy. He couldn't hand the stress he was under and one day cracked.

He killed himself.

B was the first to find the body. On top of that, B hated that I only considered him backup for A. he detested me and ran away after several years, adopting the name Beyond Birthday for reasons at that time unknown to me.

A few months later, Beyond tried to become the "world's greatest criminal," wanting to exceed me in a different way that one would expect. Needless to say, I won. Beyond is currently in an insane asylum. Before the Kira Case, I visited him several times, gathering information and his side of the story. I already have another's point of view, Naomi Misora, from when she taught me capoeira. I plan on telling one of my current successors their story soon, but first, I must deal with other problems that have arrived.

The reason I've finally let my mind wander down the path to A is because I think it would help Light if I figured out some things about this late boy. Light is currently asleep, and we have many more hours until we land, so I have ample time to think by myself.

There are many similarities between the two teenagers. For one, they were both under extreme stress from their father figures. They had to be perfect, exceed the expectations unrealistically set for them by others.

And they both couldn't take it. Both tried to end their lives. Nobody tried to help A, though. I couldn't let someone else kill himself right in front of my eyes, especially someone I was beginning to fall in love with at the time.

So, A's life ended prematurely because of me. And Light's was only continuing because of me. And I could never tell him this, of my faults. I know I must be the rock, the support in his life, and that means, besides not being able to share my feelings, I also can't share my problems.

_____

After his crying had subsided, Light fell asleep in my arms. I held him, unmoving, as I thought. When I came to my new conclusion, I had nothing left to think about…

So I watch my fallen angel sleep. I watch his chest rise and fall, his mouth slightly open, his parted lips so…perfect. I see the shadows of his eyelashes fan across his cheeks, his hair falling in his eyes slightly—he might need a haircut when we get to my home. I feel his heart beat, his warm arms wrapped around me.

A few hours of silence and little-to-no thinking pass before I work up enough courage to move my arm slightly. The want, the need, to pet his cheek was just too much. My sleeping fallen angel…His skin is soft under my fingers, smooth. The bronze tan contrasting so greatly with my own snow-white skin; it just fuels my displeasure. Another reason we could never be together; he is a fallen angel, was an angel, and I'm a lowly mortal, drowning in my imperfections as a human being.

I stroke his face one more, wanting to memorize the feeling, the sensation, because I know the likelihood of finding another moment like this is close to zero. His jaw moves slightly this time and I almost jump when he breathes out, "L…" Is he awake? Does he know I am doing this?

But, thankfully, no, he is still asleep. He lies still once more, but I feel his heartbeat increase very slightly. Slowly, he beings to wake up. I have frozen, knowing he would almost definitely feel my fingers against his cheek now.

His eyes open, blinking at the sudden light of consciousness…not a very good choice of words. When he realizes exactly where he is, his eyes widen and he shoots up to stare at me, probably shocked that he fell asleep in my arms. Yet…yet that yearning in his eyes is there, shadowed, but still there. Will he ever explain what it is? Why would he wish to die now? Had I not comforted him properly?

He looks away, as if in shame, while I just continue to stare at him. "Light-kun," I start, wanting him to know that everything is all right. "There's nothing wrote with one sleeping in his older brother's arms."

And again, Light stands and walks towards the bar, muttering, "You _really_ have a lot to learn." Is this some other social skills thing? From the way he is acting, he wishes for me not to hold his hand, not to hold him when he falls asleep in my arms. Yet he initiated both. I just complied to his wishes, did what he wanted, but it was still wrong. I might never be able to understand him.

_____

The next few hours pass in silence. Light has lunch, and then begins reading the numerous books he has brought along. I work diligently on my laptop for a while before becoming bored. I end up playing several rounds of Minesweeper in the hardest mode possible and several games of Spider Solitaire.

Finding a particularly hard spot, I pause, thumb at my lip, biting it slightly. I'm so concentrated on my screen, I don't notice Light walking over until he slaps my hand away from my mouth. "You'll ruin your teeth if you keep doing that. Do you realize how many germs you can get, too?" he reprimands. I stare in shock at the boy. Why would he do such a thing? He had seen me do it countless times before, why be bothered now? And I thought he was busy!

Light looks away from my eyes in embarrassment. Oh, what I'd give to understand what is going through his head! "I…uh…What are you working on anyway? A case? Can I help?" Mental note to self: talk to Watari about the side effects of Light's medication; mood swings are quite bothersome to deal with.

I close my laptop quickly, so he doesn't see the meaningless game open on it. "Confidential information, Light-kun. I thought we already went over this?" I lie smoothly.

He stares questioningly at me. I wonder if I offended him. Oh, no, I was supposed to watch what I say and do around him more than I usually do! "Actually…L…no, we haven't." I stare blankly at his confused face.

"Oh," I say quietly. "Well, then. My cases are confidential unless I specifically give you information. However, that will be extremely rare, if ever. You are coming with me to England to recover away from home, not help me with my job. I might as well explain everything else while I'm at it," I add as an afterthought, looking towards the ceiling, thumb once more at my mouth, dragging my lower lip a bit.

"You will receive schooling every day, and if you're up to it, you man tutor several other students I have chosen. Days will be mostly scheduled, with free time to do as you please…within reason. You will be required to write a journal entry every night, about whatever you wish—and in the morning, if there is a need, mostly for dreams. The journal will be kept safe from prying eyes, including my own, until you deem me worthy of your inner thoughts and feelings."

I look back into his eyes, which, once again, are filled with that painful yearning that is really getting on my last nerve. I might just have to force an answer out of him…NO! Why would I think to do such a thing to a fallen angel?! Hasn't he been tortured enough already?!

And why do all these new conflicting emotions seem to almost get the better of me?

_____

A loud gasp escapes my lips as I take in the sight before me. It is horrendous, hideous, frightening, disturbing, disgusting, the worst thing I have every laid eyes on. And I stand here, open-mouthed, wide-eyed, staring at it.

A hand descends upon my shoulder and I actually jump at it. "What's wrong, L?" Light asks me, slightly concerned.

My watery stare—yes, I am almost in tears—turns to him and tries to glare him down. We are in the middle of a crisis and he is completely calm. It irritates me to no end.

"We are out of cake, Light-kun," I say in as monotonous a voice as I can manage.

His soft, worried eyes harden and he glares at me. Hand falling from my shoulder, he turns away. "I thought it was something serious, L. Don't scare me like that."

* * *

**Author's Note: Haha, scared ya, didn't I? You thought Light was dead, didn't you? Well, when I read the first sentence or two of that last part to DIMS, they guessed many things, none quite close to what actually made L act that way. One guess, their final, 'cause I forced them to shut up, was L witnessing Watari and Light making out. Their defense? They knew I had a weird perverted mind 'cause I'm born in the year of the dog. SHIGURE PWNS YOU ALL!! "High school girls, high school girls..." Hehehe *sweatdrop***

**Anyways, also, I hope you liked my little jab at Another Note, one of the best books in existance, and not just 'cause it's Mello's narration. I needed to put in that part about hearing BB's part of the story and one day telling Mello. But then I remembered most of the story was from Naomi's POV. Haha, so the original chapter in my journal doesn't mention the woman, but this does. Makes more sense, right? And according to How to Read 13, L does learn capoeira from Naomi. ^-^**

**I don't know when I'll be updating again, so don't wait up. I have a lot of other stories I've idiotically started, and stuff like that...*sigh* _ANNOUNCEMENT! IF YOU WISH TO ACTUALLY KNOW WHEN I'M GONNA UPDATE THIS STORY OR ANY OF MY OTHERS, READ MY BLOG, LINK IN PROFILE!_ Thanx. n_n**


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: These chapters look so long in my journal...*sigh* God, so sorry for the long wait for an update! The last story that I have a chapter partially written for that I can post ((besides the beginnings to chapter 5 of this, which is in the process of being written - YAY THEY GET OFF THE PLANE FINALLY!!)) is Frozen Hearts, so expect that up soon.**

**This chapter contains a lot of comedy, so be warned. It's mostly through dialogue and a few extra comments throughout. L reflects once more on things, including love and Light's mask. Both are very important themes throughout this story.**

**Warnings: Light doesn't break down, but he does explode. The warning? I said some of those words to my mom a day or two before writing this chapter. I made his a little more extreme, 'cause I know what to say and what not to say that will land me on meds. ^_- Oh, and Light loves to swear...**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. But if I did own one, then you'd know who's behind all the celebrity heart-related deaths recently. KYAHAHAHA!!**

**

* * *

**

****

Chapter 4

A flight from Japan to England in a private jet takes about eighteen hours. So far, half of that time has passed. Nine more hours to go. Normally, I have no trouble working for most of that time and eating during my working while eating when not working as well. Today should have been no different.

However, I never had Light with me before. And he not only makes my emotions confused, but also distracts me to no end. I cannot concentrate on my work and watch over him constantly at the same time. I don't want anything bad to happen to him, obviously. But then I realize that everything that _can _happen would be self-inflicted. Just that thought causes a surge of something—perhaps adrenaline—to course through me in a vain attempt to save him.

I have never truly loved before. And all the love I hold towards Watari, Matt, Mello, and Near is family love. Romantic love…it's completely and utterly different. It holds desire and need, pain and healing, protection and…and the chance to get so terribly hurt.

And the worst part of this love I have for Light is that I must conceal it all. He loves me as a brother, the same way I feel with my "father" and "sons." The same way I wish I felt towards my late and insane original successors.

The sigh that comes forth from my mouth wakes me from my thoughts. The clouds outside the window come into focus. I haven't uttered a sound for maybe an hour now. I have never been so lost in my own mind that time passes so irregularly.

Light stirs from his apparently absorbing book and turns to look at me, concern and worry in his deep eyes (at least yearning is not present). "Are you alright, L?" he asks.

I answer offhandedly, yet with enough sadness to sound realistic, "Yes, I'm just mourning my hours ahead cake-less." I sigh once more.

He shakes his head and goes back to his book, muttering, "I still don't understand your addiction to cake."

"Just as I don't understand your obsession with having perfect hair," I retort, staring at him. His honey locks _are_ perfect. I wonder if it tastes like honey. I cock my head to the side in curiosity, eyes moving from his face to his hair.

With a scoff, Light tries once more to return to his book, beginning to read while ignoring me to the best of his abilities. I continue to stare at his hair, his skimming eyes, his pretty ears, his hands, his self as a whole. How could I put all that hidden personality he only shows me to his body?

Wait…he only shows his true personality to me. Does that mean anything? Is it because we're brothers? Or is it because I saved him and he feels that he has no need, nor anything to hide anymore? He doesn't need to be the perfect, flawless teenager for me, just Light. I smile slightly behind my thumb at this. Being himself makes him truly perfect in my eyes—no matter how obnoxious his real self can be sometimes…

I believe Light has sensed my staring this whole time but has tried to ignore it. His attempt is to no avail however, for soon, he turns once more to me, anger flashing in his eyes, hiding a bit of that damn yearning that seems to always be there.

"I understand that you have the social skills of raccoon—and look like one too—but please, stop staring at me unless…" he trails off. The yearning is full force and he leans forward before finishing his words, realizing something, and pulling away. What was he going to say? I just continue to stare. "W-why don't you try s-sleeping for once, L?" he stutters finally, starting to turn back to me.

My gaze turns hard. "Because," I say, slightly forcefully, if not rudely, "first of all, I'm an insomniac. Second," I say, holding up two fingers, "there is the chance that you could do something harmful and/or stupid when I'm not paying attention. Thus, until we get home, I must keep my eyes open at all times." I bring my finger back to my knee. My eyes remain fixed to Light's until he finally looks away, unable to take the intensity, most likely.

While staring down at the cover of his book, yet not really seeing it I figure, he whispers, "You know I can't do that, L…my…b-brother." He stutters out the last part, as if not wishing to say it, though I truly cannot imagine why. He said it often while in the hospital.

Though, perhaps he was under the influence of the drugs the doctors had used. Now, he is using fewer medications and is therefore less emotional stable. Maybe he really doesn't think of me as a brother, but as someone annoying he had to live with—though that sounds awfully like the definition of a brother.

Nevertheless, he shows his true self to me and only me, letting his mask slip away. A mask that I alone could see through in the past, but only just. Now the ice melts often so I may see the warmth beneath, the face so many had seen with a cold beauty, not unlike a marble sculpture, but not alive. Now…now, no matter his wishes, the ice has broken and those who know where to look can see the cracks.

Then, why doesn't he wish to call me his brother? Does he not see that I get joy out of every time he refers to me as someone close? So I wish he would call me his lover. I know that something like that will never happen.

"Dammit," Light chokes out, almost hisses, and he practically slams his book down on the small space between the two of us on the couch. His voice cuts through me, forcing me to be shocked out of my thoughts of which I haven't realized I am deep inside.

He stands and I inquire, "Where does Light-kun think he's going?" His mood swings are getting more than troublesome and now just downright annoying. He whips around to face me, the Yearning—as I'm from now on calling it—making the fierce anger even stronger in his expressive eyes.

"Why do you have to care so fucking much?" he yells at me, his tone actually causing a flinch to come out of me. He doesn't allow me to respond and instead goes on to forget he was ever the calm, stoic, handsome boy all the girls would swoon for, turning into a raging loud, emotional teenager who would like nothing more than to continue ranting and yelling at me, not caring he is turning red and making a hideous face.

And so, while I remain silent, unable to get a word in, let alone a sound out of my throat, Light continues on yelling, "What does it matter where I go? You're just looking after me to make sure I don't try to kill myself. You lied to my parents to take me to some weird boarding school in England! What makes that school different from any in Japan, huh? There are still grades and rankings and people—including you—who want, no _need_ me to be perfect! I can't fucking handle that, L! I don't want to go back to school! I don't want to be monitored all the time anymore! I don't want to keep trying! All I want is to go into an endless slumber, where my dreams are reality! But that can't happen because you're here! You won't let me! And as long as I have you, I won't let myself…" he trails off.

I stare at him, stock-still. The angel certainly had fallen. He is also struggling to pick himself back up. How could fly home with such injured wings? Then again, he's also lost, without a true home. But maybe he wishes to remain lost…or even to fall further…if that is possible. Nevertheless, he must be saved, and I may be the only one who can do it.

A tear escapes his eye and I almost stand to wipe it away, but my body is still in shock and refuses to move. Light quickly brushes the heel of his hand across his eye and cheek, trying to erase any trace of wounded…lost pride. He once again turns stiffly away from me, knowing he won't get any answer out of me any time soon.

Shocking me even more, he pauses to almost growl out, "I am just going to the restroom for a few minutes. I have a full bladder. No need to follow me in there." The anger in his voice forces me to realize he isn't going to try something.

Once more, he hesitates before walking away, muttering acidly, "I hate you." And I don't know if he was talking to me or himself.

* * *

**Author's Note: Well then, here're some notes about this chapter:**

***Raccoon...I couldn't resist.**  
***"Stop staring at me unless..." you're undressing me with your eyes or are about to confess your feelings for me, etc. But he knew better than to say something like that.**  
***I do know that one of the lines about his mask usually being like marble sounds suspiciously like the crap that is Twilight. I assure you I wrote that, thought about it, then cracked up and hit myself on the head with my journal. This kind of marble has Light inside, not a 108-year-old virgin who lives w/ his parents and sex-addicted siblings. XP**  
***Haha, the Yearning gets a capital letter now! That's also important to the story...Any guesses on what it is? I'll give you one guess, and it has to do w/ the fact that Light's in love w/ L...oops.**  
***DIMS's fave line in the whole story: "...and instead goes on to forget..." that whole sentence. ^_-**

**Ah, and that "endless slumber" line? See where the title of the orignal story version of this comes from? ^-^**

**I hope you've enjoyed reading so far!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: GAH! I know it's been forevers since I updated this, so I decided: This is next. The thing is, finals were this week ((FINALLY DONE W/ SCHOOL! OFF TO SUMMER SCHOOL! -_-)) and I had to study nonstop and it sorta literally killed my writing muse. So, I've been stuck. On all my stories. Luckily, after reading the FANTASTIC story "Momento Mori" in which Light was raped, I got inspiration for one of my original stories and am now working hard on the next chapter of that. XP Yes, I do enjoy rape stories; got a problem w/ that?**

**Anyways, holy fucking shit. I honestly thought I updated this story! I THOUGHT I HAD POSTED CHAPTER 5! Well, I hadn't even finished typing it up. And I was looking forward to next chapter...*pouts* Well, not much to say about his chapter except that it really has some deep thinking on L's part. It also of course has some comedy 'cause we're in need. I actually needed to think ****back and remember whatever happened...**

_**THEY GET OF THE FUCKING PLANE! SQUEE!**_

**Warnings: *sigh* Ah, yes, here's my warning: Light has officially become the ultimate uke! IDK how it happened, but he's more wimpy in this story than I'm used to writing him - not. However, in ****chapter 6...*laughs maniacally* Anyways, he is not as prideful or crazed in this as he is in real life...ignore the irony, please. But I think everything has taken its toll on him! Next chapter, you see his ****thoughts are pretty similar to the normal!Light, just his actions seem a little more...*sigh***

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. End of story. ((Well, not the end of THIS story...^_-)) I also don't own "Homecoming Queen" by Hinder, which doesn't have any appearance in this story whatsoever, but I thought would be nice for you guys to listen to for you guys to maybe understand Light's POV a bit more. Haha, yes it's about a girl. ^_-**

**

* * *

******

Chapter 5

"Come, Light-kun, Watari will be waiting in the limo," I say once we land and are allowed to leave the plane. Light is once again clutching at the armrests of his seat, the landing having scared him greatly. I could see the beads of sweat, the squeezed-shut eyes, the clenching jaw. It was worse than takeoff.

Was that because he refused to hold onto me as he had done before? Well, once he realized what he had been doing before, he did get upset. Perhaps this is all a pride thing, just as everything else is with the teenager.

For those hours after his outburst, Light ignored me and I, in turn, respected his wishes and kept to myself. I contemplated why he would say such things as he did. This went beyond pride and almost a trust issue. Then again, Light has never had anyone who he could trust before. Why else could nobody else see the signs of suicide until it was too late? Well, almost too late, for I did "save" him, in a sense.

I have a feeling I've gained partial trust, but cannot figure out why. he does need a male role model, meaning an older brother—as I'm being for him—because he didn't look up to his father for guidance. He didn't trust his younger sister, who he apparently loved dearly. So, why does he trust me enough that he can share some of his deepest thoughts—those about school and the like—and let his mask fall completely?

Whatever the reason, he trusts me and I must not do anything to jeopardize the indescribable relationship we are in.

Light opens his eyes once hearing my words. Has he finally realized that we've landed completely? He spares a glance out the window beside him before standing shakily, not used to a stable floor beneath his feet. He follows me quickly, as if he cannot wait to exit the small cabin.

My gaze turns to him once I'm on the ground and I see him breathing in deep gulps of fresh air, letting the end-of-winter sun rain down on his skin. "Like the air, Light-kun?" I ask.

He sighs and begins walking towards the limo parked nearby. I smile, knowing he's concluded it's mine. "The air is so…different from Japan's." He sighs once more. He waits for permission to enter the car, out of courtesy to me. Watari comes around from the driver's seat to open the door for us.

"Your suitcases are in the trunk, Ryuzaki, Yagami-kun." A glance to the side gives me a view of Light mouthing 'Ryuzaki' questioningly. I smirk and decide to explain the alias to him—including the reason for this particular name—later.

Once Light and I are situated in the car, Watari behind the wheel and starting up the engine, I decide to say, "Watari, please stop at that fantastic bakery on the way to the orphanage." This time, I hear Light whispering worriedly 'orphanage?'.

"Ah, yes," my caretaker answers. "They do love it when you're in town. I believe you must account for at least half their sales." He chuckles and Light lets out a snort-like breath through his nose.

We are leaving the airport as I turn to Light. Time to explain a few things, I believe. "One more rule," I state, holding up a single index finger. He has no time to start questioning me. Instead, I go on to say, "No one may call me by my true identity when in public, nor in front of most of the children at Wammy's. You will know immediately which kids—"

"And kitchen workers," Watari adds helpfully, looking at us through his rearview mirror.

I continue as if not interrupted, the man used to this, "know my identity." Light nods in understanding. "I believe I have not explained where we are going properly, either. Wammy's House is an orphanage for gifted children. It doubles as a boarding school—until they are old enough to leave or must take their place as my successor."

His eyes widen, but I must give Light credit, he does not call out. "So, please, call me Ryuzaki at all times unless you're with the three specific children I will show you, Watari, or me…alone." His eyebrows come together, but he nods all the same. I smile slightly, happy he understands.

* * *

Once at the bakery, Watari parks the limo in front and is about to exit before I stop him. He waits respectfully while I ask Light if he would like anything, cakes, cookies, muffins.

"I'm not much of a sweets person, uh…Ryuzaki," he reminds me, also trying out the alias. Pausing to take in how that sounds, he looks off into the space momentarily before shaking his head slightly. Light answers in English, "But if they have any good…muffins, I would…like one, please." He switches back to Japanese for the word "muffins," obviously, though well versed in English, not completely fluent yet.

"Muffin," Watari offers kindly in English. "This bakery has very delicious muffins. I will be sure to pick one out that I think you'll like." He purposefully speaks slightly slower, so Light may understand more easily, but not slow enough to insult the boy's intelligence. He then gets out, leaving Light and me together.

Light remains silent, thinking; as do I. The way I've been talking—though explaining much—also must confuse the teen more. To top it off, I must seem so demanding, rude, blunt, whereas Watari was just now so king and helpful. I can tell he is beginning to—if not already does—care for Light like a son, as he cares for me. Brothers…as always.

A movement to the side catches my eye. Light has turned to me, a sad smile on his face, his hair blocking his eyes from sight. "You're really lucky," he says, once again in English—also sounding well rehearsed—but sorry also seeping into his words. What does she mean by that? is he talking about my money, my successors? Is he jealous? Light doesn't seem to be the type to get jealous, however.

"I don't know what Light-kun means," I reply with an air of confusion, though I try to remain my ever-impartial self.

His smile shows his teeth and he breaths out what sounds like a chuckle. "You have such a kind, caring man taking care of you. I can tell Watari loves you so much." He looks away, towards his lap, where his hands are clasped together nervously.

I think for a moment before saying anything. What should I say to that? "Yes," I finally decide on, "you're right. Watari has taken care of me for the majority of my life. He's like a father to me now…" A small smile spreads across my lips. Light's grin widens before his whole face falls and he turns towards the window.

He wishes for a father like Watari. He wishes for one that will support him and what he chooses. One that will take care of him, teach him properly. A father who would not easily give up on a "failed" son.

"Watari cares about you, too, Light-kun," I say finally. I have a slight feeling he needs to hear this. He looks back at me with hopeful, yet guarded eyes. "We both care about you. Does Light-kun think that nobody cared for him before?" His eyes narrow, but I continue, "You must remember that we both care about what happens to you."

"What if I don't want your care?" he voices quietly.

"Hmm?" Now Light is not making sense again.

"What if I don't want you to worry about m, pity me? I don't need you, you know, and I can handle my problems on my own." He crosses his arms and sits up taller.

I snort. This has definitely gone too far for him; his pride can't take my words anymore. But logic is on my side. "Yes, that worked out very well for you last time," I say sarcastically.

"It would've worked if hadn't interfered!" he yells. My eyes widen and I'm completely frozen in shock. How could he say something like that? I saved him! Dying doesn't solve your problems; that's just running away from them.

Luckily, I don't need to respond; Watari unlocks the doors and the sound easily disrupts the icy silence encasing us. The door on my side of the limo is opened and Watari appears as a silhouette in the blinding sun—the car is pretty dark, what with the tinted windows.

He smiles kindly and hands me a medium-sized box with a smaller box on top. I know immediately which Light's muffin is and carefully pluck it from atop my beautiful cake's container, handing it silently to the sill-steaming teen. He takes it half heartily, the fight leaving him as quickly as it came. The muffin box is placed delicately in his lap and he opens the lid carefully…only to stare at the large nut-filled wannabe-cupcake.

He continues to stare and I glance at my cake in my hands. I, too, open its lid to see a slice each of strawberry cheesecake, strawberry shortcake, and chocolate-vanilla swirl with extra icing. I smile and grab the fork waiting inside the container, temporarily forgetting those around me.

When the door next to me slams shut again, I look up to see several more cake boxes on the seat across from me. A grin lights up my face as I take in the aroma of pastries filling the air around me. I spare a glance at the one sitting next to me and immediately come down from my high.

Light is still staring at his muffin in his lap.

"Yagami-kun," I hear from the front seat. This catches his attention and we both look to see Watari's eyes watching us through the rearview mirror. "If you don't eat your muffin soon, it will get cold," he offers in English. I can almost see the gears turning in Light's head as he quickly takes in Watari's words and translates them back to Japanese.

After a few seconds, he apologizes and begins eating, tearing off bite-sized chunks and swallowing before getting more. I soon realize I've been staring—though Light has surely gotten used to it by now—and turn back to my cake, ready to eat.

* * *

Three slices of cake and a short car ride later, Watari has parked in the driveway in front of an extravagant mansion. Light already gasped as he took in just the immense size and security of the gates, so now all he can do is look on in awe, mouth agape, at Wammy's House Orphanage for Gifted Children.

I decide not to wait and instead step out of the limo before Watari may open my door. As he walks around to open Light's door, I secretly take in a lungful of the beautiful air I missed while in Japan before breathing a sigh. I don't know if it is one of relief or exasperation. When I reach the other side of the car, I see Light walking hesitantly towards the large front doors.

I quickly walk past him and say, "I believe a tour is in order." He rushes to catch up with me and I begin a tour of the House. And thus begins the first day of Light's recovery.

* * *

**Author's Note: Well, finally Watari's introduced. He didn't have too big of a part here, but soon will be...well, helping L. Trust me, he needs it.**

**I hope you've enjoyed this chapter! Next chapter will actually not be called a chapter. In fact, it's entitled "Entry 1" as in Light's first journal entry, in which MELLO AND THE OTHERS FINALLY APPEAR! The chapter after that will be entitled "Chapter 6" but whenever there's a new journal entry that you guys get to read from Light, no matter how many are in between the entries shown, it will go in order, next would be Entry 2.**

**I'm sorry if Light's becoming really OOC. And same w/ L...The Wammy Boys appear next chapter and I've tried to keep them as in character as possible but that's sorta hard. I can't tell you what happens, or what will happen, but I guarentee that you'll love it!**

**Review pwease! ^-^**

**PS: While typing this, I spelled silhouette right on the first try! XP**


	6. Entry 1

**Author's Note: Yes, I've updated this already! Haha! Actually, I've just started watching the 2004 version of _Phantom of the Opera _and am obsessed w/ the song by the same title, by Nightwish as well as from the movie. So cool. Today, I went for a way too long bike ride, including to the beach, where my friends and I swam. Why am I telling you this? Because I believe I am so overtired right now that that is why I'm up past midnight, though I've wanted to sleep for the past...8 hours, typing up a new chapter, and posting it. *sigh***

**Anyways, now you are gonna get Light's POV, finally, for this story. Trust me, you are going to need his POV to understand about half the plotline, maybe more. As I said before, he's not so wimpy when you get his POV. He's a determined, smart young man who doesn't wish to try anymore. Nothing new, really.**

**And sorry for the length of this chapter. Light's journal entries will most likely be pretty short. Sorry...**

**Warning: Though no suicidal thoughts, you do get a glimps of what I already said two paragraphs ago, so it doesn't really matter. We will delve futher into his mind in later entries...and we already have anyway, through Boulevard of Broken Dreams.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. I don't own the song Imperfection by Skillet. But I do own this plotline!**

* * *

**Entry 1**

L—I mean Ryuzaki—is forcing me to write in a journal at the end of each day. Is this supposed to be a record of my "recovery" or a way to get out emotions? Well, I sure don't know what goes on inside that convoluted—though beautiful—mind of his. But, either way…

So, I guess I should start with a summary of today's events. In short, L made me fly on an airplane for the first time in my life—making fun of my fears and worries while on the flight—across land and sea for eighteen hours all the way to a new country with a foreign language.

I know I'm pretty good at English, but there are many words I don't know, and a lot of slang. I…I felt embarrassed, to tell the truth, talking to those I met while with Ryuzaki. I wouldn't say much, and they spoke too quickly.

At least Watari-san was kind enough to speak slowly. He's an amazing man…I wish he was my father, or grandfather. But please, don't make me get into theat. At least, not now.

So, L took me on a tour of my new home. Well, I guess it's a home. He and Watari-san are living here and will take care of me—not that I want to be treated like such a baby, but it is nice knowing I won't have to do everything for myself anymore—and a home is supposed to be where your loved ones are. But it is also a place in which you feel comfortable, and I sure feel _un_comfortable here.

L said I'll get used to the hectic world that is Wammy's House, but how long will that take? Already, there are those who hate me.

I was introduced to three boys who claimed to be (L confirmed) L's successors. They were younger than I and very bizarre, and yet the top three students at this "school"? To top it off, the youngest was an exact L replica, except he had white hair and there was no fire behind his eyes. Thirteen years old…Near was his name—L later explained that everyone had an alias here for safety reasons. I'm actually glad he said that, at the moment, I don't need one. Less pressure, you know?

God, Near was so dull. When L explained that these were the only students who knew his real identity, and then went on to say that I would tutor any of them if they wished, he just stared at me with a blank face…even more blank than L's at times. He didn't even extend a single courtesy to me, simply turning away and walking off.

There were two the same age, fifteen, one of them third, the other second. Matt, I think, was the bored-looking guy with the horrible sense of fashion. I mean, if he took off the ugly goggles, changed out of that prison shirt, and brushed his hair a little…and maybe lost the hand-held video game, he'd look pretty good, cute, maybe hot in a few years. After all, I would never go for someone so much younger than I am. Then again, L must be quite older than I am, well in to his twenties, no doubt.

But, as I was saying, my heart belongs to L…and Matt seemed to belong to the other boy.

Mello, a blond-bombshell-in-waiting, was dressed in all black—to contrast Near's all white?—and had this horrible scowl on his face. I thought he was a girl at first because of his long hair. Who wouldn't? He was so…possessive. L was his, Matt was his, Wammy's was his. He got on my nerves way too easily. Someone needed to knock him off his high horse!

At L's proposal of my tutoring, Matt said something like, "Nah," which I think is slang for "no" while Mello scoffed and said he'd beat Near without some stranger's help. After that, he grabbed Matt and dragged him off.

All in all, not the best welcome.

So, L says I do have to continue with classes for the rest of the school year—which ends in June—so I can apply to college. He wants me to stay away from Japan, and maybe think about America.

But I thought we already had this talk? I don't want to go off to college; I don't want to have to try to be perfect in school. and I want to stay with him. So I asked if he ever went to college, to which he replied that that was classified information. My conclusion? He never went.

Oh, but with my brains, he said, I won't _need_ to try, just do the best I can. I don't think he gets it.

Finally, he showed me my room, which is on the same floor as his, down a few halls. He refused to show me his living quarters and I tried to respect his privacy, but I think he could tell—no matter how hard I tried not to show emotion—that I needed to know, so he gave me the number to a cell phone he will always answer if I needed to talk.

But…he _did_ say he'll spend as much time as work permits with me in my room. I think getting him to fall for me will take a little longer than I thought. After all, his actions on the plane displayed way too much cluelessness. Still, he will love me as I love him eventually.

We _do _have a while.

* * *

**Author's Note: As I said last chapter, you guys have now met the Wammy Boys! Yay! Have I kept them in character? I am really trying, but have never actually written Near before besides in Frozen Hearts, where he is a little 9-yr-old bitch. Matty doesn't have too much character developement does he? Well, except for being Mell's bitch. Haha...And Mello...well, Light has some things to say to him! He will give the guy a piece of his mind in later chapters, trust me.**

**Ah, and did you notice the little narcissist part for Light? So many people say that Matt and Light look similar. So similar, in fact, that Misa has confused them and Light has gotten it on w/ Matty just 'cause he looks like him. Besides this being utterly disturbing, I thought it would be fun to put in there that Light, while in love w/ L, can also be physically attracted to other guys. After all, he does know that he is gay.**

**Next chapter will take a little longer 'cause I have to finish writing it. I need to finish the scene I'm currently in, add in a scene that I came up w/ early in story that I couldn't wait to write in and almost forgot about, and that will prob end the chapter.**

**In the meantime, review, please! Honestly, I want your opinions. Those of you who can relate to Light and/or L, give your opinions. _Constructive_ critisicm is always allowed!**


	7. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: Uh...what can I say? Sorry? It's been over a month and Wo-Man and Life Note have been getting all my attention. What do you expect? They're more popular...and have ****more inspiration. You wanna know what gives me inspiration? Reviews. A few reviewers know this for a fact. ^_- But, then, why am I updating this when I have more reviews and a lot ****more to work w/ for those other two stories? 'Cause I'm flat out of inspiration for one and the other needs a break ((aka, I do)). Also, I sorta needed to update this, like, NOW!**

**So, back to L's POV. This chapter freaks the hell out of me, mainly 'cause of Light. L is a little freaked too, this chapter. -_-; L will be saying some very ironic things that I took enjoyment ****in writing. Watari will be very awesome and his character will actually be slightly developed...for once. Ah, and there is finally a very comedic scene I've been waiting to write ((still need ****to write that)) that if you've been reading my blog ((link in profile)) for a while should know, or remember vaguely.**

**Warnings: Well, I was able to show a WHOLE other side to Light that...has been hinted at in this story, but finally rears its ugly head. And it's not Kira, nor any split personality. But it's ****not pretty...for Light and his pride. Have fun.**

**Disclaimer: If I don't own Death Note, then would that mean that this is illegal? Not a chance, 'cause there's a disclaimer! XP**

**

* * *

******

Chapter 6

I don't think Light is very comfortable here. I told him—thinking of his social skills his father always told the other Task Force as well as those Raye Penber witnessed and described that he should be able to get used to the hectic world of Wammy's House. But I just don't know if he really believed me.

I really wish my successors were nicer to Light, though. Of course, I didn't expect anything less or more of them. Wishing and being hopeful have nothing to do with percentages and probability, logic and reasoning. However, Mello and Light's reactions to each other were a little more…extreme than I predicted…exaggerated. I'm slightly worried about that and will keep an eye on them.

I had led Light back to his room shortly after that and left him to his own devices. Again, another hope—a hope that he will write in that journal. I had contacted different specialists on teenage depression. Light needs to know that someone's there, but I know he can't share _all _his thoughts with me. That's what the journal is for.

My windows are closed to the cold night air, but I haven't turned my lights on. The only light I have—or even need—is coming from my computer screen. What an ironic statement to make…I sigh slightly before going back to the case I'm currently working on.

A knock sounds at my door. "You may come in," I call without turning away from the screen.

Watari enters, just as I thought he would around this time. "How is he fairing, L?" he asks me.

"Fine," I reply. He remains silent, knowing I will continue. After some seconds—less than a minute—I finally turn to face him. "He seems to feel uncomfortable and embarrassed—though I'm not allowed to know that, I believe. He doesn't want others to see—nor read so easily—his emotions. Nevertheless, he should be settling in soon."

Watari stares at me for a moment before nodding. "I see," he says. "Be sure to take care of him. I will go talk with Roger now about Light's college preparation classes." He turns to leave.

"Wait," I call. When he faces me once more, I whisper, "He doesn't want to go to college."

He looks at me through aged, wise eyes. "But with a brain like his…"

"With a brain like his, he should have the world bowing at his feet!" I yell, interrupting the man before me. "But he doesn't want that! He wants to bow to the world's feet! Or better yet, fall before all those who pressure him to be who he was meant to be!"

"You seem to understand only a little about his situation, L," Watari replies to my outburst. He does not seem fazed by the show of emotion I have displayed. I can't understand why, though.

He goes on to explain, "And by what you just showed, you are getting fed up with him. Accept him, L, and what he's going through. Do that first, and maybe he will truly wish to share his mind with you. But for now, live with the fact that he only can do what his mind can handle. Don't think of Light as just a fragile doll, but as a human who can make his own decisions…for now."

Since when did Watari know all this? I've been researching and trying to understand Light for two months now, perhaps longer—though I'm ashamed to admit it—and Watari has never provided help until now.

What should I say in response? A thank you or…

My phone rings. The only other person who knows the number besides Watari is Light. Why is he calling me at this hour? Is he okay? My guardian sighs and gestures for me to pick it up.

I follow the gestures and quickly answer my phone. "Yes, Light-kun?" I try to keep my voice as emotionless as Light is used to. I almost sigh at the calmness he spreads throughout me.

"Uh…Ryuzaki…" he stammers before taking a calming breath and speaking in his normal Japanese. "L, would you mind coming to my room?"

"Why? Is something wrong?" I question, worry slipping into my voice slightly. Watari raises an eyebrow at me in curiosity.

"Huh? Oh, no…I just…I…I mean, in the hospital…you were always there…and…I…and on the plane…y-you…" With such pride as his, one would suspect that all this stuttering is wounding it greatly. He clears his throat before continuing, "In my current state, and because I'm so used to it…could you…I can't fall asleep without you!" he finally gets out.

My eyes widen at his words. This is even worse than his stuttering. What he just confessed probably just shattered his pride. I look up to the ceiling in contemplation, but only as a show for Watari. After a pause of "thought," I answer obviously, "I will be there shortly." I hang up and put my phone back in my jeans pocket before standing up and silently leaving the room, including Watari.

The halls are dark and I only see two other people about—one of the staff leading Mello back to his room. This is not any different from my usual night wanderings. Mello is often found rummaging around the kitchens or trying to get to my rooms. This floor houses the eldest orphans, Watari, and myself, and now Light. Roger stays on the first floor for emergencies and such.

Light's room isn't too far from my own. I am there in less time than I anticipated. My soft knock echoes down the silent hall. A few seconds later, the lock clicks and the door opens to a room lit by a lamp on the nightstand near the bed. The room is one of the larger ones, with its own bathroom, several bookshelves, a semi-walk-in closet (I knew Light would like it), but still two beds, like all rooms for students.

I know nobody else will be rooming with Light, for obvious reasons, but there is nowhere else to put the extra bed. And I have a feeling that bed will come in handy if there are more nights like this one on those nights I dedicate to sleeping.

"You don't have your laptop?" Light inquires, pulling me out of my thinking. I turn to look at him for the first time to see him in pale blue matching pajamas. It's been a while since he wasn't in hospital garb to sleep in.

I tilted my head to the side. "I wasn't planning on working on cases while helping Light-kun fall asleep."

He sat down on his bed with a frown on his face. With a hint of disappointment, he asks, "You weren't _planning _on staying here long, were you?"

"Go to sleep, Light-kun. It's late and you need to get used to the time difference," I say in response. Quickly, I do the math in my head, knowing it is a little past midnight; Light would be waking up or already starting his day back in Japan.

The teen sighs and lies down, defeated. He beings to pull the blanket over himself, but I move to finish covering him. I don't know why I do this, but the smile lighting up his face is worth the confusion in my mind—added with the confusion from the Yearning again.

When he is settled, I turn off the lamp and we are cast in total darkness. I'm used to it and easily find the extra bed behind me, about to sit in my normal perch.

Before I can, though, Light calls out, "Wait, L! Where are you? Don't leave yet, please!" I've never seen _this_ side of him before. He's needy…and I thought his pride couldn't handle this many blows.

"I'm not leaving Light-kun yet. I'm simply sitting on the extra bed right next to him…"

He sighs and shifts in the bed. I hear an intake of breath as if he's about to say something, but he decides against it. I sit down finally. His breathing eventually evens out and I feel it is safe to leave.

But as I begin to move, the bed squeaks and the normally heavy sleeper gasps. "Wait, L, please…" he calls out in a tired, weary voice.

I sigh and whisper, "I'm not going anywhere…" He breathes a quiet sigh of relief and I relax once more. What is going on with him? He was never like this before. He's needy and like a child. Why must I stay here until he is sound asleep? That could take hours what with his internal clock.

He wants to feel supported, doesn't he? I can't seem to understand his thoughts in the slightest. He wishes for the same feelings of me being with him constantly, as it was in the hospital. Stability is key, right? Yes, that must be it.

An hour passes, and my fallen angel sleeps on. Maybe I can leave now? Again, the bed squeaks beneath me, but I am able to escape his room. Yes, escape. I do not wish to really be here. And escaping calls for being sneaky, which is necessary for this situation.

* * *

Once back in my room, Watari enters to see me finishing up a case on my computer, a few papers spread around me. I ignore him.

He interrupts my thinking with some very important information regarding Light. I listen intently, though still facing my computer. I would never have expected such a thing. After all…

* * *

The next morning, I arrive outside Light's bedroom at the exact moment his alarm clock should go off. My prediction is right and I hear the beeping before a groan, a slam—at which the beeping stops—and the creaking of bedsprings.

I knock on his door and it opens just seconds later. "What are you doing out there?" he questions worriedly.

I really do not wish to lie, but… "I went to the bathroom and was locked out," I say bluntly. I then demonstrate that even if the lock on the inside was unlocked, the handle won't budge without the key. Light accepts my explanation warily, but doesn't question me further.

Finally, I step inside and close the door behind me. I had thought about this long and hard all night and eventually resolved on what to say.

Light follows me to the extra bed and sits down next to me. I remain quiet for a minute before he asks in hesitant English, "What's up?" I'm actually surprised he can do so well so early in the day.

Still, I sigh and say, "We have brought as much as we could from your old room to your new room, here. I just thought Light-kun should be assured that Sachiko-san and Watari did all the packing. Soichiro was at work at the time."

Light gives me a weird look. "So?" he says slowly.

"So…Soichiro-san didn't do any packing, didn't see whatever was packed."

Comprehension beings to dawn on his face, but still he beckons me to continue, "And…?"

"I believe among those things packed were clothes, books, magazines…" I elaborate, finger to my lip.

Wide-eyed, Light grabs my shoulders and pleads, "Please don't tell my dad! It's another way I've failed him!"

My eyes do not waver from his. Instead, I say kindly, "There is nothing wrong with being bisexual, Light-kun. I, myself, am—"

"Homosexual," he interrupts in a whisper.

I stop. "What?"

"Homosexual. I'm gay, not bi. The only reason I had those other magazines were for covering up for my dad and mom. I hate girls, am only attracted to men." I continue to stare blankly. "What about you?" he asks. "You were saying something about yourself."

Though I know his is trying to steer the conversation away from himself, I answer with what I had begun to say. "I was saying that I used to believe I was asexual. But I know that I cannot be and am in fact something else entirely. Perhaps homosexual, or bisexual; maybe pan- or polysexual. It is something I am still contemplating and looking into. So, for you to admit to yourself that you are attracted to those of the same sex, especial in the world you grew up in, is quite remarkable."

His eyes hold the Yearning. Why, dammit?

"Thank you…" he finally mutters, turning away.

I smile and reply, "I will always accept you, Light-kun. Now, I believe it is breakfast time and some scrumptious vanilla scones are calling my name!" I stand and leave Light still sitting on his bed.

* * *

**Author's Note: I like those vanilla scones you can get at Starbucks. Yum.**

**That specialists line...yeah, there was a nurse woman lady ((pfft! XD)) who came to the health fair this past year at my high school. For PE, we had to choose a lecture to go to ((or ****rock climbing)). Since I luv listening to stuff about depression, I convinced my only friend in my class to go w/ me to that one while most kids went to stuff on nutrition. There was one ****other random boy and then one of my other friends who was in another class, same period, who went. 4 kids in all. We got to keep our packets on the powerpoint we didn't actually use. ****Did I use that packet for this? No. Will I for the actual original story of this? Yes. Long explanation? Yup!**

**Pansexuality and polysexuality are quite real. L is explorin' his options...with Light. ^_- I don't mean to make a joke. I think L is quite serious.**

**And yes, L's an idiot. How'd you guess? Damn Yearning and clueless L...LIGHT THINKS THERE'S HOPE NOW, DAMMIT! Hehe, I got L to swear...**

**So, reviews would be quite nice. I want to know if Light's character is too far gone to the OOC world, or if I can somehow bring him back. L? What about him? ^_-**

**Next chapter might take a while longer: I have those other stories mentioned that are a little more TOP priority and I don't have the next chapter even PLANNED, let along written. ****Hehehe...*sweatdrop***


	8. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: So, after many moons ((aka, since August)), I'm updating...finally. See, I lost most inspiration for this story, but lately have been feeling really depressed. I decided to use ****the depression to my advantage and got this chapter written.**

**Picks off pretty much where the last chapter left off. Believe it or not, it's sorta like the intro to plot, though I'm not saying how. This chapter really delves back into L's psyche and his ****own connections to the song "Imperfection." I loved writing his POV...*sigh***

**Also, I hated Light being so freakin' OOC last chapter, so I've gotten his mask back in place, seeing as he's surrounded by people. I needed that mask back so I could continue writing his ****character. You understand, right? I know that many of you said that he has a right to be OOC 'cause of everything he's gone through, but it was just...*shudders* This mask is in some ****ways different from his real mask ((the one you all know from the series and such)), and therefore incorperates some qualities my own mask has.**

**Warnings: Even though there's no suicidal thoughts, some of L's thoughts, and even a bit of Light's words/expressions/etc get pretty depressing. Angst is the warning, I guess.**

**Disclaimer: You see, Death Note was published in a timely manner. Therefore, logically, I cannot have owned it, and still don't. I do own this plot and idea tho!**

**

* * *

******

Chapter 7

The dining room is a bustle of movement. Normally, I eat alone in my room, or in the kitchen. However, I know that Light will wish to eat with me, and will thus wish to eat in the dining room, as he has yet to learn many of my old, odd habits.

I wade my way through the sea of orphans of all ages to get to an empty table. There is none, so I decide to get my food first. The breakfasts and lunches for the children of Wammy's House are buffets. I grab a plate and pile on the sweet breakfast foods, including those previously mentioned scones.

I rarely eat with the children, but have ventured into the dining room on occasion. The primary reasoning is more or less to spy on my potential future successors, but it is also so I may try to understand the children of this day and age. That always fails miserably, so I usually just say the former.

Again, I search above the heads of children and teens to find no empty table. My only option is to share a table, using the empty end. I soon spot one such table and walk through the aisles until I reach the table.

The others on the opposite end give me odd looks as I take my seat on the bench. They are younger and therefore have probably never seen me before—I've been rather busy these past few years. Their eyes hold a bit of fear as I stare back at them. Eventually, they look away, back to their food, but not before scooting farther away from me and glancing around for a means of escape.

This is nothing new to me. I'm used to it, almost numbed to the reaction. Nevertheless, that doesn't make it any less painful.

I hate the attention I receive for my awkward ways, for going against the norm. I enjoy being in the shadows, or locked away in my room. There's safety and comfort there.

Light strives off the positive attention he receives. However, that attention is brought by his unfathomable attraction. He is a natural people person.

I am a loner. By choice.

At this thought, I carefully take my sweet away from my face and set it down again. My eyes are downcast and my appetite wanes slightly. Why would Light, as majestic and beautiful as an angel, wish to be with me, Raccoon-Man, as he had put it so kindly yesterday?

I look up to glance around the room. Friends are merrily chatting with one another; couples are holding hands; enemies are spitting words at each other. Where do I fit in here? Where would Light? As my eyes roam past the doorway, I double take to see Light standing off to the side, confidence oozing from his form. A small smile breaks through my frowning lips. He can still wear his mask with pride. He can still be Light Yagami, Prince of high school.

I stand from my crouch, bare feet still on the bench, and wave in the teen's direction. "Light-kun!" I call, easily grabbing the attention of everyone in the room, Light included, even with the loud roar of students' early-morning conversations.

His eyes widen and a blush begins to form on his face. I find the embarrassment cute. All eyes on him, he rushes towards me. Once his is sitting on the opposite side of the table, I sit back down myself. His glare is fierce.

"Why did you do that?" he hisses at me, leaning forward so I may hear. By now, everyone has gone back to his or her pervious worlds.

I answer logically, "I wanted Light-kun to be able to easily find me. And I couldn't leave my poor food unattended. I thought it was a good idea." A pout creeps up on my face.

Light sighs. "You cannot just do whatever you like. It draws negative attention to yourself." If only he knew what I was just thinking about.

Instead, I retort, "I don't care what other people think of me. Now, would Light-kun care for a donut?" I hold out the glazed specimen of sugary divineness, silently wishing for both Light to take and to leave it. He needs to understand the heaven that is sweetness, but I also don't want to give up my beautiful donut.

Still, he shakes his head, looking disgusted. "Ew, no thank you. You know I don't like sugar." He pauses, before going back to the previous conversation. "You _should_ care more about what people think of you, Ryuzaki."

"And end up in the situation Light-kun landed himself into?" I reply without properly thinking the words through. No, what did I just say? That was hurtful, horrible! It was uncalled-for. I can't believe I could so instinctively retort Light, no preparation or logic. Just biting sarcasm. He is bringing out the worst in me.

And his eyes show it. They widen before dropping to the table between us. His features are almost blank, but just a hint of sadness, depression, seeps through. He plays the part of the broken child, the fallen angel, so well. Sadly, this is no play. It's all too real.

To try to distract him from his currently downtrodden mood, I say, "Light-kun should eat more sugar. I swear, on my honor, I will get him to willingly eat something sweet."

He looks up at me, still disheartened, but also confused. His lips form the words "on my honor" questioningly. The gears in his brain turn until a working definition comes to him. Right, he is still not fluent in English. He must have to think of the three words individually. That must be rough for him. I wonder if I've dropped any other idioms and sayings he's had to interpret.

I go back to my breakfast, much of my pastries and such cold now. It doesn't matter; they're just as sweet.

Soon, however, I realize Light still hasn't eaten yet, while I'm sitting here cramming my face. I swallow noisily and inquire, "Won't Light-kun be eating this morning?"

He looks at me again, eyes blanker than ever—scaring me immensely—and answers, "I'm not that hungry. I'm sorry." His voice has almost reached the same monotone as my own.

"That is no excuse," I say, plopping a piece of cantaloupe into my mouth. "Go get food. There's delicious, fresh, home-grown fruits you must try." He sighs, but nods and stands, leaving for the buffet.

I continue eating as I wait, enjoying the food for all its worth. Not too soon after Light leaves, a figure stands beside me. Since I know Light, for one, wouldn't be that quick, and two, would just have taken his previous seat without asking my permission, I easily deduce the person is not he.

However, nobody here would dare approach me, would they? Only my top three successors know my identity, and the kitchen staff, who is forbidden from entering the eating area of the dining room. Watari is busy working on budget-related things.

Therefore, the person must be one of my successors. Logically speaking, the only one of those three who would ever approach me of his own accord would be Mello.

And thus, I am not at all surprised when the boy next to me calls out, "Hi, Ryuzaki!"

"Good morning, Mello," I return, bringing my tea to my mouth and letting the syrupy liquid glide across my tongue and slide down my throat. I sigh in warm contentment, also slightly amused at Mello's reaction. He huffs and stomps slightly before leaning into my line of sight and smiling at me. "What does Mello require?" I ask tiredly, yet withholding most emotion, as always.

He frowns before opening his mouth in preparation for whatever he wishes to request, a smile blossoming before quickly disappearing yet again. A scowl imbeds itself on his face. There can be two possibilities for who must have just appeared behind me, for only Mello to see and make such a look of despising.

"For _him _to go back to where he came from," he decides to say instead of something that most likely had to something to do with chocolate, black nail polish, or reconsidering the number one spot.

"Ah, Light must remain here," I answer curtly. A small, gloating laugh sounds from behind me—weak, but still there. Light walks around Mello to take his seat once again.

Mello frowns dejectedly, but quickly rises up again to say, "I just wanted to tell you that my grades are awesome, my score is improving, and I will never need Yagami as a tutor."

I look at Light for his reaction. He flinches slightly at the use of his last name. Could it be because it is so much associated to his parents, to his father? Could he need that much separation from his old life? "Please refrain from calling Light by his surname," I try to help.

Mello just scoffs, turns to sneer at Light, and leaves. His arm reaches out to one of the tables he passes and pulls a redhead immersed in a handheld game up by his forearm, only to drag him after himself. I continue to stare after them until both are gone from the dining room.

As soon as I turn back to the remains of my breakfast, Light states, "I hate him."

"I see no solid reason for Light-kun to think otherwise for the time being," I answer. He gives me an odd look, obviously not expecting that answer. I flash him a small smile and his face melts before the blank mask takes its place yet again.

He begins to eat his breakfast. It's a muffin, nuts sprinkled across the top. He takes a bite and immediately smiles contently.

"Watari special ordered the muffins, knowing Light-kun liked them so much. He thought the others would too," I supply, hoping to make him feel welcomed after that less-than-cordial conversation.

He smiles warmly. Before taking another bite, he says, "This was the second to last one left. Tell Watari the muffins are a good choice."

I smile too as I watch the "not that hungry" boy take another large bite.

* * *

**Author's Note: Muahaha, no Yearning mentioned! That's 'cause Light's not in that mood right now; he's too depressed. So, now, you get two depressed guys as protaganists. By the looks ****of it, Mello's the antagonist. Let's see where this goes...((Though, in some ways, Light can be viewed as his own antagonist, or L could be for him. Makes you think...))**

**I didn't mean to make such a big deal out of those muffins, but realized that Light needed something stable to know and understand, and know is safe. Therefore, what would he grab from ****an English breakfast buffet but something he already knew and loved? Speaking of logic, L's insanely long explanation as to how he knew it was Mello who was standing beside him was ****more for my enjoyment. I thought you guys should have another taste of smart-thinking, logical, reasonable L before he spirals back to the clueless idiot of previous chapters. Also, I really ****hoped that I captured his essence and smartitude in that!**

**Now, next chapter is mostly gonna be one of three things: A time skip after Light's first day of school w/ L's POV, a time skip after Light's first day of school w/ Light's POV in a journal ****entry, or a time skip after a bit more time and something that I either will like to put in now or wait one more chapter to do but w/ Light's POV in a journal entry. I've yet to decide, but it's ****most likely gonna be Entry 2, just IDK if I want to put in one more thing that's important to the plot...I might even get around to writing this over this weekend or throughout the week, ****since I have the inspiration!**

**Thanx for reading! And please leave a review if you liked or didn't like the chapter/story/characters/etc! ^-^ And if so, state why, if you could be so kind! I use what words I'm given as both inspiration and help when writing, so the story will be better! ^_-**

**((PS: After L's mean retort about Light's "situation," as I was writing the next paragraph, "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" started playing. Thought you guys would get a kick out of that!))**


	9. Entry 2

**Author's Note: GAH! I'm so sorry for not updating you guys! Depression comes in waves for me. Sorry...And it's back and nice and inspirational ((when it's not stealing away all motivation ****whatsoever...)).**

**Anyways, I'd like to introduce someone to you. Hey, little guy, it's alright, come on out...Hi, here he is. Wave! Aww, so cute! His name is Plot. You'll see more of him towards the end of ****this Entry.**

**And just to clarify, journal entries, while in chronological order themselves, are not all one right after the other. Time passes between them, but he writes one every night. Several days ****pass from the last chapter to this. Sorry if the naming of the entries confuses you.**

**Oh, and sorry that I didn't have the date in the first entry, but there was one! It was March 12th.**

**Warnings: Hello, it's Light's POV! Depressing thoughts abound. But...uh...*sheepish smile* There's some comedy. I couldn't help myself; I'm sorry!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Death Note, I'd be able to pay for all the volumes and DVD's...not that I'd need them, of course...I own this idea and plot!**

**

* * *

******

Entry 2 – March 15

To truly understand a person's actions, one must reach inside that person and understand the motives, and then the thoughts behind those motives and reasons. If I don't understand somebody, I take a minute to see where he or she is coming from, and _then_ decide if they're a waste of my time.

L is different. He shows so little of himself; any assumption I make about his motives is just grasping at straws. But I keep trying. I _need_ to understand him.

I keep wondering mainly about why he cares, why he loves me as a brother when he so clearly is distant from everyone else. What makes him enjoy my company when I'm just a failure who couldn't even survive high school?

Why did he "save" me? Couldn't he let me be happy and let me end my misery? But no, he probably "saved" me back then because I was the prime suspect for that damn Kira Case. It was only in my unconscious month that followed that he came to care for me as a brother. But how did that even happen?

Gah, I have to stop wondering about what I cannot ever comprehend. It's just making me feel worse than I already do. If I can't understand someone for once, then it's yet another way I've failed. I've failed too much. What's the point of trying anymore?

And what's with Mello? First, he acts as if he absolutely hates me and wises I was dead—him and me both—and now…this. But I'm getting ahead of myself. First things first: school.

I already told you-wow, talking to my journal like a person, not a good sign…not that any are good anymore—that Saturday, two days ago, L gave me another tour of Wammy's. This was of the academic part of the institution. And he then gave me a schedule for the remainder of the school year. I was quite worried about the classes. After all, they were the same level as my ones back…you know where. Would they be just as hard? Would I seriously have to try?

Sunday, I spent most of the day alone in my room. I actually now regret lying around, doing nothing, but I just didn't feel like doing anything. God, why didn't I study and refresh my mind on my classes for today? L is counting on me, needs me to do well, to prove I'm worth something…and failure seems to be my only companion.

Obviously, you can tell—note to self: this journal is not a person—that my first day of school did not go well. At all.

I used to feed off the attention those around me gave. Now, I can't possibly see how. They stared, everyone watched, as I entered each classroom—some of them late because I couldn't remember where they were. That doesn't make any sense, thought, as I usually have an amazing memory. Yet another way I'm useless now.

Throughout class, I kept thinking I was doing something wrong…or maybe everything wrong. It's nothing new to me. That one test was just the top of the iceberg I'm currently slipping and sliding down. When will I reach the cool release of the water? Or did I already? If that's the case, then when will I stop sinking through the cold, cruel world?

The worst part was that I couldn't fully concentrate on the teachers. I kept worrying what everyone was thinking of me. Now, I promise myself, I will stop thinking of those things. It doesn't matter what students or teachers think of me; I'll just be forgotten in the end, just like how I know it must be back…there.

A few teachers tried to call on me, either just to include the new kid, or out of pity. I bet it was out of pity; the sorry look son their faces proved it. I kept wracking my brain for the answer the first few times, but soon gave up. It wasn't worth the effort. I mean, I used to rattle off answers from the top of my head. I can't anymore. Am I defective? Did I stop working beautifully, perfectly? Though I can barely remember the times I could love myself.

Lunch was a lonely affair. I sat alone, not even with L, and ate a small salad. I just wasn't that hungry, am not. I haven't been eating as much as I used to, but I bet it's just because my body's growth is slowing down. It'll all work out in the end, I guess.

So, I watched happy, carefree kids laugh and talk while I sat at an empty table—the occupants at the far end having moved soon after I sat down heavily. And then I remembered that these children surrounding me are orphans. They have now parents, no family. Do I? Have I been disowned yet? But those people who so depended on me are still alive.

Did these kids' parents love them? Did they suffer for the loss? Did my parents ever love me? Am I suffering? Can our situations even compare?

Dinner here is severed in two shifts to work around students' study habits and extra-curriculars. (Speaking of which, L's trying to force me to play tennis again. I just can't. It brings back memories I try to forget.) Anyway, the first shift was the one L and I ate at over the weekend. The tables are set beautifully and the food sits on the plates, waiting for diners to come and eat.

L said it was to promote healthy eating, as everything is portioned-controlled, all food groups present. One meal must be healthy, he had explained. He forced me to eat, but I just wasn't that hungry. I didn't play any tricks to make it look like I ate more—can't have the World's Greatest Detective pick up clues and assume I'm anorexic.

So, I thought it would be smarter to eat at the later shift today, as I might be hungry by then. I was wrong, yet again. I just don't get it; how can I be so wrong so often? I used to be the best of the best. I guess times change. I'm not meant to be there anymore. Oh, so I still ate enough so I would still be healthy and the like.

I went back to my room and thought about studying. I mean, I looked at the books on my desk, but just couldn't come up with enough reason to work on homework. What reason is there?

And so, I shoved everything onto the floor, anger at not needing such useless materials flooding through me. But then they were all disorganized. I at least had to pick everything up and shove it out of my sight, right?

That's how Mello found me—crawling on the door, gathering loose papers. You see, after L explained how he was locked out the other day, I undid the handle's lock so that L could always get inside. I don't care too much about anything in my room, as worldly possessions have no meaning, really (and L could easily buy me anything I need, not that I'm depending on him), so I see no reason to lock the door. It's not as if I will try anything to hurt myself now that L's here. I don't' want to leave him.

Right, so, finally, Mello. He walked in, snorted at my position, and slammed the door behind him. I hate to admit this, but I actually felt a bit of fear of him. He's younger than I am, smaller, too, but he has this air about him that commands respect. Why do I feel like I had that before?

I actually had an urge to remain on the floor, sitting and facing him. It felt like the right thing to do; he's probably better that me, after all. But then I remembered that I hated this guy and stood, facing him. Both our arms were crossed and we just glared at each other for a while.

I wasn't going to give in and ask why he was here, though. Instead, Mello actually sighed in defeat and muttered something. It was too quiet and fast that I wasn't able to understand.

He repeated himself. "You good in calculus?" I could interpret that alright, but apparently, it's also slang to leave out words in sentences, even verbs.

To put it simply, I blanched. I could only nod in shock, words unable to form in English…or even Japanese. He told me, in so many words, to meet him in his room after first shift dinner, and explained where his room was. Then he left.

I immediately picked up this journal, needing to record these events while they are still fresh in my mind.

He acted so horribly to me before, even going to the lengths of repeating that he needed no tutoring. And now he's asking for my help. I truly cannot understand him. But he has given me incentive to work harder. I can at least help him, right? He knows what he wants in the world.

Just remember, as a note to self, do not tell L. I think that's why he came to me in secret and acted the way he did in public. He doesn't want anyone to know. I guess I will respect his wishes. After all, he did swallow his pride for this.

* * *

**Author's Note: Man, a lot of Light's thoughts are similar to mine. I think out of all the characters I've ever written, he is the closest to me...at least, for this story. ^_-**

**Anyways, um, there's a lot of foreshadowing in this chapter. More than just you think. And I have most ((I think)) of the next chapter written. There's one scene that I'm about to write, ****but more info in my blog, link in profile.**

**How'd you like Plot? He's pretty shy, so you don't really know his personality yet, but you'll get to know him better in chapters to come. Warning for that: He likes Light better, if you know ****what I mean...((If you can't tell, the plot will mainly be shown through Light's journal entries, but will evade L. That's part of the Plot, too...MUAHAHAHA! XP))**

**So, please review and tell me what you think. Hopefully, Light's thoughts are a little more realistic this time around, and he seems more...three-demenstional of a character? ^-^**


	10. Chapter 8

**Author's Note: So...I can explain! I lost a lot of inspiration for this story, but that's not the real reason for not updating it in so long. In reality, I had placed Life Note as a top priority ****story and only updated that for quite a while. Now, I'm placing this, Wo-Man, and Death Machine at top priority. This mostly 'cause I already have quite a bit written. I have this chapter, ****next, and part of the next Entry written. Yay!**

**To recap so you don't have to reread the past few chapters: Last chapter was Light's journal entry saying that he's begun tutoring Mello in Calc. He's still depressed and seems to be ****getting worse...We left L off having breakfast with Light two/three days ago ((in their world, obviously)). He knows nothing about Light and Mello's interraction. He's still clueless, but this ****chapter, he'll gain some insight into Light's mind. It is a very...interesting chapter.**

**Warnings: Depressing thoughts, obviously. L is continually OOC, but this chapter is the beginning of trying to get him back on track ((or at least, Watari wants that...)). I'm sorry if his ****character seems so...well, OOC...But it does go to show how much Light has changed him.**

**Disclaimer: While I DO own this idea and plot of this story, I do not own the idea or plot or anything else behind Death Note. I also apologize for any incorrect jargon used for something ****that I won't give away.**

* * *

**Chapter 8**

This morning, I've decided to join Light for breakfast. I've been neglecting him as of late. He's had two days of school now, so I also wish to hear how that has gone…from his perspective.

I've gotten the teachers' points of view. Several said that he's probably a very bright student, but need to both concentrate more and actually try to work. It seems that he has given up, school-wise. This is not good. This is certainly not like him.

One of the staff that watches over the students in the dining hall has reported that he east alone at every meal. I cannot have this! If he wishes to recover—which I hope so—then he must actually try. He's a social person; he needs friends. My top successors are out of that idea immediately, as none appeared particularly nice to him. In my free time, I will look over the files of those Light's age and find potential friends.

In the meantime, skipping out on forty-five minutes of working shouldn't be too bad. Just breakfast with Light shouldn't be too much of a wasted time. In fact, the small break in the morning should raise my accomplishments later in the day by quite a significant figure. I will consume calories without immediately thinking them off—storing for later, possibly when waiting for Watari to bring me more cake—as well as spend time with Light.

That should raise my work ethic quite a bit. If I work to solve cases in Light's honor, try to bring justice to the world, perhaps for _his _world, then I could work that much more efficiently.

And it is through this reasoning that I find myself walking into the dining room this morning. Looking around, I see Light sitting at a table occupied by nobody else. It both shocks me and doesn't. After all, according to my resources, he _does_ eat alone. I guess just actually seeing it in person gets to me.

As I head towards the food, wishing to grab some breakfast before sitting with Light, so he has no excuse to shoo me away, I notice something peculiar.

Mello walks up to Light, says something to the older teen, and then walks away after Light replies, nodding his head. What just happened? What was that exchange? Did something happen between the two of which I'm unaware?

I begin to gather food on a plate as I think. Mello is a proud boy who, once set on something, will not easily give in. He prides himself in his appearance, both physical and how he presents himself with others. He's bright and would never take the help of someone else unless desperate. I knew offering the tutoring from Light would be useless with him, but it was worth a shot…perhaps.

But, then why would he act so cordial towards Light when they both exhibited such hatred towards each other before?

On my way towards Light's table, I freeze. They _both_ hated each other because they _both_ viewed the other as competition (for what, I do not know). They _both_ are extremely prideful, vain, and stubborn. How I just described my possible successor also describes Light. Perfectly.

The answer hits me as I sit across the table from Light. He looks up, surprised. "Good, morning, Light-kun," I say mechanically.

"G-good morning," he manages out, muffin poised halfway towards his mouth. I notice it's not nuts, but raisins dotting the top. His eyes seem so innocent in this moment. Has that Yearning finally been stifled now that he has been moved?

No, spoke too soon.

He looks at me skeptically, through the Yearning. "What brings you here?" he asks, suspicious of my intentions. He has every right to be.

With a pout, and a bit of pudding in my mouth, I reply, "I simply wished to check upon Light-kun. Is that a problem?" He huffs, but goes back to his breakfast.

The treason Light and Mello seem to hate each other so much is because they're so similar. They can be either the worst of enemies— hating each other because of self-esteem issues perhaps— or the best of friends.

Did something happen that is causing that friendship to form? I sure hope so. Maybe it is better to leave Light alone for a while longer and see where this goes. Mello could actually do him good…as long as he doesn't corrupt him…

Eventually, Light glances at one of the numerous clocks dotted about the room's walls. He stands at once, empty plate in hand. "I have to get to class," he says before walking away.

All through our time eating together just now, neither of us spoke. Instead, we listened to the dull hum of the dining room, taking in the conversations of those around us, knowing all of them were meaningless babbles.

To Light, they probably were. I, on the other hand, sometimes enjoy hearing what normal children and teenagers talk about, knowing that some people out there live lives away from violence, crimes, and murder. Those very things to which I must get back or this day will be a waste.

I walk slowly and delicately through the crowded pre-school-day hallways until I reach my quarters. I hate people touching me, giving me germs that could easily and swiftly hinder me. And human contact is too foreign to me already; it's hard to get used to it now, after so many years. Light is giving that contact now, but only barely. It still cannot make up for my twenty-four years prior, though.

Once in my room, dark curtains covering the windows, computer laying in wait in the center of the room, I begin my work again. I find the most gruesome of cases to solve. No mystery can ever stump me, no man can ever evade me, no mind can I not solve.

So, why are Light's thoughts evading me? Why is he such an impossible boy to solve?

Wait, no, concentrate on work. That breakfast break was supposed to give me more brain energy. Still, I cannot concentrate, and by noon, I must stand and stretch my legs. Thoughts of Light continue to fill my mind and it begins to anger me.

On my way out of my room and down the hallway, I pass Watari with a cart of sweets for me. I grab an ice cream cone, scoop my own ice cream, and proceed down the hall. He questions where I am going, but I wave him off and continue walking.

By the time I get to the cafeteria, the ice cream is devoured and the cone is almost gone as well. I pop the last bit into my mouth and chew it as I wade through the tables to Light's usual, empty one. The lone figure sends a pang through my chest, but I keep going until I reach him.

His plate is almost empty, so he must be close to finishing. I stand a moment more behind him, but he soon notices me and begins to turn around. At this moment, I grab one of his forearms and swing him around in his seat to face me.

With a very shocked look on his face, Light demands, "What are you doing?"

As I begin walking, I answer him simply, "I'm restless, you don't have a class next hour, and we both need exercise. Tennis it is then."

He stares in awe at me, being dragged along towards the basement and indoor gym and courts—it's still too chilly out to play outdoors. "I thought I told you: no tennis!" he cries.

I freeze and he almost crashes into me. "And why not?" I shout back. He does not move.

While we only stand here for about a minute, in the tense silence, it seems like hours. Normally, time moves much too quickly for me; there aren't enough hours in the day. Now, all I want is to speed it up.

Finally, Light sighs in defeat and side steps me. I stare after him in wonder, but he soon turns around and questions, "Well, aren't you coming?" His voice is quiet, just as defeated as that sigh. I quickly catch up and we walk together to the basement.

While we change—after I show him around the locker rooms, since he doesn't take a physical education class—I contemplate what just happened. Light gave in…again. What is wrong with him? Wasn't he a champion tennis player in junior high? What would cause him to refuse to play now? But then again…I mentally freeze. His parents. Did they push him too far in that, too?

Still, we walk onto the court, a few other students playing on surrounding courts. When I hand him his racket, he stares at it for a minute. He then gains some sort of resolve in his eyes and weighs the racket, swinging it around a bit. It's not brand new, but still in fairly good condition.

I do the same and then we head to our sides of the court. Once there, we dour own warm-ups and stretches. He focuses a lot on his legs, I notice, particularly his ankles. The wheels in my head begin to turn.

Perhaps he didn't just quit at the top because of the pressure. There had to be a real reason for someone like Light. A broken ankle would be a perfect excuse. Nevertheless, there were no broken bones on any of his medical records. So, the _possibility_ of a broken ankle could cause a brilliant tennis player to quit. Was this worry the reason he refused to play me at first?

Once done warming up, we face each other from our respective ends. I must look a little smug because his eyes turn hard.

He points his racket at me and snarls across the court at me in Japanese, "You picked the wrong sport, Ryuzaki! Prepare to be beaten by a champion!"

I smile back and reply in English, "I'll have you know I was a junior high champion here in England. Perhaps it is who will be vanquished." With a small smirk, I bounce the ball several times before shooting it over the net.

We lose ourselves to the game, playing best of three—couldn't take too long; Light still has a few classes after this. But neither of us pay attention to time. All that matters is hitting that flying ball and winning.

Eventually, other students and teachers—the ones who were playing before and some who've just come here to work out—crowd around the court. Nevertheless, I refuse to lose concentration. Same with Light.

I win the first game, Light the second. It all rides on this last volley. Who will win? I say I will. After all, he who moves first wins. But Light has gained much confidence through the past two games and might still beat me. I haven't played in much longer time than he has and my body is older, too. Though that shouldn't affect my abilities too much…yet.

I am sweating by now, and so is Light. In fact, breathing is harder than normal for me. I grunt as I hit the ball, the swing pulling my arm. Light shoots the ball back to my side and I rush to get it, reaching out so I don't miss. A sinking feeling beings in my gut as I realize I'm not going to make it. I'm going to lose.

Still, I keep going, refusing to go down without a fight. The familiar, but surprising feeling of the ball meeting my racket shocks me. Light is quite shocked too. He obviously was just thinking I was going to miss, so was not prepared for me to send it back. He quickly turns to run for the ball, but already knows, as I do, that this time, it is futile. It is beyond impossible to get that ball.

As he turns, he stumbles, but continues to chase the ball. There's an obvious limp in his right leg, but it doesn't stop him. He doesn't stand a chance and the ball crashes into the wall behind him.

Looking utterly defeated—whereas, years ago, I know he would have just seemed slightly put off and angry—he limps over to the net to shake my hand. I shake it warmly and congratulate him on such a fantastic game.

"We must do this again. With more practice, you should be at the top of your game once more," I say as we push through the small crowd of onlookers to get to the locker rooms, not caring about the praise and hyped talk coming from them. "But I won't let you compete, so don't worry. You only have to worry about playing me." I think that should make him feel better.

His eyes do brighten just slightly, but I see the Yearning yet again. I just can't figure it out. For what does he wish this much?

I tell him that I will have his gym clothes washed as soon as possible and we shower and change. He is late to his next class—by quite a bit of time—so he tries running. But that limp is still there, so I lead him somewhere else.

Immediately, Light understands and follows, albeit unwillingly. "No," he mutters under his breath in Japanese. "No, this can't happen. Come on, what am I supposed to do now? Why didn't I just listen to that damn doctor?"

So, I was correct in my assumption that Light was warned against playing tennis anymore when he was younger because of his ankles. When we reach the infirmary, and the doctor—yes, we have a doctor, since this is an institution that houses children _and_ myself indefinitely—is about begin his examining Light, she asks him if he wants me to leave. Light stares at me a moment, the Yearning quite plain in his eyes. But, he answers, "Ryuzaki, could you please wait outside?"

I oblige and wait anxiously. Soon, I contemplate calling Watari to bring my laptop for me to work, but at that moment, the door behind me opens.

"Ryuzaki," the doctor beckons me in. "Light is very lucky. His ankle is only slightly sprained, but nothing is broken. However, he explained that he's had problems in the past. I suggest orthotics to strengthen his ankles, since he refuses any physical therapy. I could recommend some brands or a few people who could make custom ones; they provide more…security." She smiles as she talks.

Light is sitting on the examination table, looking no different from before, only perhaps more sullen.

The doctor continues, "For now, he has an ankle brace, which he has said he's used before. Understandable. The brace stays on at all times except showering. He should be fine on his own for that, but if he needs help or is worried, he may ask for help—from you or another friend." A blush dusts lightly over his cheeks and he looks away. My own heart flutters. He must be embarrassed for the possibility of needing help of my seeing him undressed. Something quite unwanted for him, I'm certain.

"No physical exercise for two weeks," the doctor goes on. "But he should wear the brace just in case for…six weeks."

Light thanks the doctor and we leave. She also gives him a pass to his next class, saying she'll make sure that he was excused from his previous class.

I have a feeling Light would have been greatly upset for missing a class and being late for a second in the past. Now, he is utterly neutral. I say goodbye at the classroom door after a silent tense walk and then leave.

Well, the tennis idea failed.

* * *

**Author's Note: So, if I used any wrong tennis lingo, I'm sorry. I don't play. Also, I just couldn't resist the game itself. I thought it would be really good to get Light's spirits up...AND THEN ****CRUSH THEM! KYAHAHA! No, no, I'm sorry. Really, I am.**

**But how am I so knowledgeable on ankles? Well, this story is written by the girl who broke both her ankles in the span of several months. I trick-or-treated with a cast one my right ankle ****and spent winter break with a boot on my left. After that, I got a bit of physical therapy and have been using $400 custom orthotics in my gym shoes, which I wear all the time. That was ****five years ago.**

**My little guy, Plot, hasn't made too much of a show for L. I guess he just doesn't like him. Well, there's a bit in there, but like I said, he'll mostly hang around Light. However, next chapter, ****he'll make a bigger appearance...I think.**

**Notice how L's logic coincides with mine? Light and Mello can either be the best of friends or the worst of enemies...or the kinkiest of lovers, but L wouldn't think that for NUMEROUS ****reasons...**


End file.
